Deepening your Connection and Communication with other Men

Deepening your Connection and Communication with other Men

February 13th, 2012 @

I’ve heard a number of gay men say that they’d like a deeper connection with other gay men, and yet the man in their life doesn’t seem to be able to communicate effectively when it comes to feelings, emotions, experiences, etc.

At the same time I’ve heard many gay men say that they often feel that their partner is expecting them to share these feelings and emotions, and yet they don’t have anything to say, or don’t even know what to say.

Given the stereotypical way that some men are raised by our society, with a sense of needing to be, and seen to be, “strong”, men often haven’t had an opportunity to learn the basic skills of talking about what is happening for them in their internal world. The fact that they may be gay doesn’t really change this necessarily.

I’m not suggesting that this applies to all men, or even all gay men. There are many men who are not only effective in communicating more deeply, but exel in doing so. But my experience suggests that these men … the men that have these skills … are not necessarily representative of the majority of men in our society.

“Talking about Now”, as I call it, is one of the foundation skills that can enable men to begin to learn to talk about their inner world, and at the same time build deeper connections with their partners. In fact, by using this simple tool, I have no doubt that many men will surprise their partners … with positive results. “Talking about Now” will help gay men to feel closer to the men in their lives, and will help to deepen their relationships.

So, what is “Talking about Now”?

In simple terms, it is exactly what it says. “Talking about Now” is about simply talking about what is happening for you right now, in this moment in time.

For example, as you read this you may be thinking “I’m not ever going to be able to learn something like this”. If you were in a conversation with someone then you would simply say “I’m feeling like I’m never going to be able to learn something like this”. It’s simply taking what is happening for you in this moment, and expressing it.

Or perhaps you’re in a conversation with your partner and they’re asking you to express your view on something … and you don’t really know what to say. In this case you would express what is happening for you … perhaps “I feel like you want to hear my view, but I’m not really sure what it is”, or possibly, “I’m feeling pressured to give you an answer at the moment”.

In both of these cases, you are not actually answering the actual question that may have been raised in the first place, but you’re simply Talking about Now … you’re simply talking about what is going on for you at the time.

And when your partner responds to what you said, your next response is simply to Talk about Now again.

Talking about Now may mean expressing any number of things that are happening for you. Some examples are:

  • “When you say that, I feel like I don’t know what to say”
  • “I’m starting to feel angry at the moment”
  • “I feel like you’re annoyed with me”
  • “It feels like my head is starting to spin”

Talking about Now has a number of benefits:

  1. It allows you to engage in discussion with someone without necessarily having to know anything, or figure out anything
  2. It helps you to begin to notice what is happening in your internal world, and as you practice Talking about Now you naturally get better and better at it
  3. It helps to meet the often unspoken need of others to connect more deeply with you. Other people usually want to know what is going on inside of you but don’t always feel they can ask
  4. There is no wrong or right answer. No-one can legitimately criticize what you’ve said when you simply talk about what is happening for you, especially when you start the sentence with ‘I feel’
  5. It allows you to bring a conversation back to a level that you can relate with

To get the most benefit from “Talking about Now” you simply need to start to use it and to practice using it on a regular basis. One way to start is to say to yourself what is happening for you now. So Talk about Now to yourself. As you read this … what is happening for you now?

Category : Anger &Blog &Featured &Gay Parenting &Improving Communications &Relationships &Sexuality

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